Live loco

Life is crazy. We all know that. So why not be just as crazy? Live loco!

I know you’ve probably heard about this millions of times, but If you love someone, tell them; If you miss someone, call them;  If you need help, ask for it; It doesn’t seem hard. Objectively, it sounds really easy but this is life. Nothing is black and white. Nothing is purely objective. Never. Things frequently mix into shades of grey. Subjectively, people think about their egos, past mistakes, vulnerabilities, anger, sorrow and confusion. But aside from a very human need for drama, we all instinctively know what to do. It just takes us time to reach a conclusion because we a re preparing ourselves for it. We’re not born ready to face the world, we learn to. Honestly we’re all children stumbling along that long dusty, gravelly road.

So kids, Live loco.

Closure

Have you ever had a dream that you wished was real? Have you ever wanted something to be real, so badly, that you almost convinced yourself it was true? I had one last night.

I dreamed that Blake was alive.

My dream started with his funeral. Every person Blake had ever known, ever loved, ever befriended, was present. And just like the scene in”Tom Sawyer" where Tom and Huck attend their own funeral, Blake walked through the church doors. Alive and healthy.

After the initial shock and outrage, we were all immensely happy to see him. He had his hair affectionately ruffled, his was arm lovingly punched. There was a general scene of happiness and cheer.

And at last, Blake approached our group. The group of his friends. He talked to us like we were going to live forever. A little after this rapport, Blake asked me to take a walk with him. We walked away from the grey morbid church and slowly tread into a path with evergreen trees and blue skies.

"Sasha, I’m sorry you spent so much time grieving." He said. I laughed.
"I'm not sorry. I missed you, man. And we were just starting to be friends. Good friends. Great friends." I replied.

He nodded his head and was silent for a while. Then he looked down at me with his brown eyes and said
"Listen, I want you to know that if I die, I want you to go ahead with your life. Go to Manipal like we had talked about. Become a doctor. You always wanted it but you were too scared to go after it. I always envied the unwavering ambition that you had. And I can’t think of anyone else that would become a better doctor. I want you to save lives. Most importantly, I want you to be you."

He paused for a second, looking hesitant. I was about to speak but his face told me not to. He said "Also I want you to make sure no one forgets me. I don’t want to be remembered in a bad way. I want to be remembered as one of the good guys. Like Jeffrey Archer. He made some mistakes but he was a good man. Please do that for me"

Right then, I woke up. And I remembered it was all a dream. Just images in my head.
Maybe this was Blake trying to give me some closure.  Maybe I'm going loony with grief.  Nonetheless, I’m comforted. I'm getting ready to attend Blake's funeral and I’m not too sad. I wrote this to tell people, in my own way, that's Blake, is still alive, in a way. He's always with us. He sees that we're hurting and he wants nothing more than to take that hurt away.

He was an incredible friend. He was a good son. And he should be remembered so.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

Love is immortality

It was a tragic day today. I went to college, my mind full of panic stricken thoughts of exams, projects and pretentious,annoying teachers. Then a friend told me about how a good friend of mine, Blake was sick. He was in the hospital with a liver problem. That really caught me off guard. I just couldn't believe it. Blake is tall, broad, brave. A real man. I couldnt imagine him ill. Especially not in a hospital. So my friends and i laughed it off, said it was probably fine and went on with our day.

Around half past three today, Blake passed away.

I still can't believe it. Blake was strong, ambitious, witty and kind. But best of all, he was honest. He would let you know exactly what he was thinking. He was never cruel while doing so, but he didn't believe in hiding things away.

This year, a few days after Diwali, he came over to play with me on my new PS3. We were playing God of War and he told me he thought i was the kind of person who finds herself in the spotlight often because she's so brilliant but doesn't really want the spotlight anyway. I'll always remember what he said because he said it without hesitation. He wasn't trying to flatter me or get me to like him. he was just telling me what he thought.

Blake had a lot of friends, even though he didnt always see it that way. He was fun, playful and he never forgot who he was. He missed Dubai and his old friends quite a bit, but he wanted good things in his future too. He was loved. And in the words of Emily Dickinson,  Love is immortality.

He is a good man. I hope he didn't suffer. Good luck on your journey, Blake. I know you'll find your way to the Elysian Fields.

Annabel Lee

by Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;-
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee-
With a love that the winged seraphs of Heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre,
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!-that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in Heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:-
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling - my darling - my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea-
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Another loss.

I'm sorry we'll never be best friends or even friends as close as we used to be. It pains me to realize I've lost you. I tried to keep it going but I can't pretend to be friends with you anymore.You're different now. You and  I have changed so much; some of it together, some of it apart.

You used to listen to my nonsense banter and rantings. I used to listen to you talk about your temper tantrums and general run ins with friends. I used to be able to listen to your criticism without feeling like you were targetting me. You used to be able to listen to my advice, without thinking I was interfering too much.

We used to be able to talk about anything and everything; Wild chickens, demonic kitties, your random political talk and my wild instinctive dislike for people.

But it's all different now.

You seem arrogant, annoyed and damaged. I seem egotistical, judgmental and pathetic. I miss what we used to be.

But we never really tried. We fell out of each others worlds as easily as we fell into it. 

This reminds me of a poem a fellow blogger posted not too long ago.

 Sometimes I Miss You, Sometimes I Don't
Sometimes I miss you,
Sometimes I don't,
And every time I think of you, I say I won't,
You mess me up, like nobody other,
I did love you, but now I shudder.
Where were you, when I needed you the most?
When things were bleak and all you did was boast,
Was it so hard, to say a word kind?
To be a friend when everyone else was blind.
And yet in all this, the fool is still me,
For I think of you sometimes, though not very kindly,
Its been so long, yet the bitterness is still here,
It ain't going nowhere for a while, I fear.
Though don't worry love, that time will come,
When i will look at you wonder how on earth did I think that you were the one;
But that time, I will have the last laugh,
For this battle with myself, will be nothing but the past.
Then, Sometimes I will miss you and Sometimes I won't
And every time I think of you, matter, it won't
Darkness will touch our memories no more,
And we will find, what we set out to look for.