Another loss.

I'm sorry we'll never be best friends or even friends as close as we used to be. It pains me to realize I've lost you. I tried to keep it going but I can't pretend to be friends with you anymore.You're different now. You and  I have changed so much; some of it together, some of it apart.

You used to listen to my nonsense banter and rantings. I used to listen to you talk about your temper tantrums and general run ins with friends. I used to be able to listen to your criticism without feeling like you were targetting me. You used to be able to listen to my advice, without thinking I was interfering too much.

We used to be able to talk about anything and everything; Wild chickens, demonic kitties, your random political talk and my wild instinctive dislike for people.

But it's all different now.

You seem arrogant, annoyed and damaged. I seem egotistical, judgmental and pathetic. I miss what we used to be.

But we never really tried. We fell out of each others worlds as easily as we fell into it. 

This reminds me of a poem a fellow blogger posted not too long ago.

 Sometimes I Miss You, Sometimes I Don't
Sometimes I miss you,
Sometimes I don't,
And every time I think of you, I say I won't,
You mess me up, like nobody other,
I did love you, but now I shudder.
Where were you, when I needed you the most?
When things were bleak and all you did was boast,
Was it so hard, to say a word kind?
To be a friend when everyone else was blind.
And yet in all this, the fool is still me,
For I think of you sometimes, though not very kindly,
Its been so long, yet the bitterness is still here,
It ain't going nowhere for a while, I fear.
Though don't worry love, that time will come,
When i will look at you wonder how on earth did I think that you were the one;
But that time, I will have the last laugh,
For this battle with myself, will be nothing but the past.
Then, Sometimes I will miss you and Sometimes I won't
And every time I think of you, matter, it won't
Darkness will touch our memories no more,
And we will find, what we set out to look for. 

Year end review

I've had this blog for a year now. I can barely believe it! I've been writing for a whole year. I have written a total of 31 posts! THIRTY ONE! That is thirty one pieces of art that I have created. They may not have been good but the point was to improve. I know my writing style has improved in this one year. 

So I sat down and reviewed the resolutions I had made when I started this blog and count how many of them I stuck to.

1. Pay more attention to my mum and sister. They have always been there for me and it’s about time I showed some gratitude.
2. Talk to my friends more often. They will always be willing to stand by me. I need to stop pushing them away and I need to start listening to them more. I need to show them that I will stand by them also.
3. Write posts on this blog as often as I can. This is one thing that will benefit me. I'll learn to be regular, responsible and hopefully I will be more articulate.
4. Lastly, I will be more responsible about my studies, finances and play. I won’t let these things fall through the cracks as often as I have let it.            

The first one is complicated. I was there for my mum and sister in their time of need (mum had a life changing illness, stroke and my sister handled the weight of the household during this time). I was patient and loving and I think I handled that well. I cuddled and comforted my family the only way I knew how; with plenty of food and kisses.
 What I didn’t handle so well came after. I felt so upset about having  no one to rant to that I went and took out my frustration and anger on my family (and a lot on my friends too). That upset the initial idea to a great extent.
 So I guess my success rate was about 60%. 
 The second one has a lower success rate. Though at the beginning I did show my appreciation more, Mid-way I reverted and threw my poop at them as if I was on an acid trip. 
 So I failed miserably. I need to be less of a terrible, tiresome ignoramus and more of a ray of sunshine in their lives (possibly one that will have a GIANT filter so as not to cause too many burns).
 The third one was a complete success. As aforementioned, I stuck to this blog for a whole year; one whole year of writing and improving. 
 The last one was mostly a success. I didn't let my studies and play get too out of hand. I picked up the slack and pushed through. I guess this was a success of about 80%.

Quite a good year. :-)

The greatest contender- Part I

I dug a hole for myself. Six feet deep.  I crouched in it and all at once a feeling of false security. But soon after i felt the undertones of the hole.  Lethargy, melancholy and deep sorrow overwhelmed me. I realized that there were monsters in this pit. They were deplorable and loathsome creatures. They were frightening fiends that delved into my heart and showed me the murkiest recesses. And though I was sure I could see their silhouettes against the walls of the pit, I knew they were monsters that lived and grew on my mind. They replayed the things I wished to forget; the shameful sterling truths , disgusting doubts and remorseful regrets of my life. They accentuated my shortcomings. They took my self image and twisted it to show me a self that couldn’t be myself; and yet I knew with surety that it was.

I dug a hole for myself. I exposed myself to this. I alone can grapple with my adversary. I knew this with absolute conviction. Yet with  my adversary mutilating my reality and distorting my thoughts, I found it difficult to plan out the best way in which I could win this war; or if i could win it at all.

2 ingredient recipes

My oh my. I love to cook. I do. From pasta to pie, I love to cook. Warm brown crusts on fried chicken and patting down the snow white and sandy layers of serradura make my heart sing. Food has always been a dear subject for me. I truly believe that the way into ANYONE's heart is through their stomach.

 Yet, sadly, i'm always faced with a tragedy.Finding ingredients in this tiny town is impossible.

So imagine my surprise when i found a post for 2 ingredient recipes! 

They aren't extravagant and they may not be too professional, but they are perfect for snacking or last minute desserts.

My favourite is the two ingredient truffles. They're perfect for so many things: gifts, dessert, ice cream sundaes, midnight binges.


 Chocolate truffles
And i'm sure my sister would LOVE the nutella cake that i shall recreate as soon as i can to apologize for being a bad sister.  I'm sorry, sweetheart. I never meant to hurt you.




Nutella cake

 There are many, many more of these recipes. Just follow this link.

Enjoy!

My little oddity

I have this irrational fear of being alone. This is a strange development of recent months as, by nature I am an introvert.

I used to enjoy being alone for hours, devouring a good book or playing a video game. Nowadays, i still enjoy my alone time but i need the television on, or some music needs to play in the background.

Hmm. maybe its not loneliness i fear.. it's silence. I find the silence frightening. To me it seems like all the ghosts of my past, all the frightening memories lay in the dark silence. They are slyly waiting to creep into my thoughts. And i know that if they do creep into my thoughts, I will have to face them. I will have to turn it over in my head until i no longer fear them. But as of now, i can not.